Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Each year I reunite with my two best friends from college for a few days of snowboarding, reminiscing and fun. It used to be four of us but life caught up with us three years ago and and our fourth companion, Mat Burnett, lost his fight with cancer. He's not with us in body but always in spirit. Joe, Scott and I, the three that remain, no longer take or time together for granted.

DAY 1 - Getting Out Alive

Leaving for any trip has taken on a specific ritual in my house. My older two kids act like they don't care while my younger two cling to me and cry. I think the more the younger ones protest the more the older ones distance themselves from me. It's kind of how the universe stays balanced I guess. For every person that cares about me there needs to be one that specifically doesn't. Just kidding. I know the older two love me. It breaks my heart to know that someday the younger two will stop being sad when I leave. Stephanie, as  always, just supports me in whatever I have going on. She gives me a big kiss that makes me not want to go and instead just stay and hangout with her. While I don't look forward to getting older, I do look forward to retiring someday and just hanging out with Steph.

We play a few rounds of games prior to my leaving so we can be together. There is nothing like it. The fun and laughter from my whole family playing together is intoxicating. Put aside for the moment are the dishes left undone, reminders about homework and the constant bantering that comes with a house full of children. It's Kate, the vibrant eight year old, that lightens the mood. Her constant calls of , "Boom! That's how I roll cuz I'm a Humphreys" when she performs well in the game we're playing that get the rest of us going. You'd never know from her shy facade outside of the house that she is a firecracker of comedy. She gets that from her brother I think, he's the same way. Families are the best and I believe that it's not random chance that we are born into families. I believe that it's be divine design that we are in families are only in a family unit can we receive the help we need to achieve our potential and only in families can we learn to love others more than ourselves. I love my family.

The games last longer than we intended and I run to get my gear and get on my way. Why does it always seem like I'm late in getting to the airport? I'm rushing to get on the road and I'm not outside my neighborhood when I felt a very clear disturbance in the force. You know, the kind that tells you that you've just left behind something very important. I start going through my list of essential items:

• Wallet - Check
• Underwear - Check (#1 rule of life = change you underwear every day)
• iPod - Check
• 7 in Android tablet - Check
• 10 in Android tablet - Check
• 14 in Chromebook - Check

I was at the end of my list of essentials (yes, they are the essentials) when it hit me like a ton of bricks. Where is my cell phone?!?! I follow the procedures for having a heart attack while driving. I take my foot off of the accelerator, I drift to the side of the road, I remind myself to breath. I hastily throw my car into park, jump out and proceed to empty my backpack looking for my lifeline to the world. Chromebook, two tablets, three chocolate bars (I'm kind of on a chocolate kick thanks to a recent gift of chocolate from Stephanie) but no phone. I race back to my house screaming the whole way in, "Someone call my cell phone! I need to find my cell phone!" It was in the farthest reaches of my house. I hoof it upstairs, retrieve it and get back on the road. With my gear tightly packed away, I'm off for my adventure. First stop, Phoenix airport. 

It's always fun to come to Phoenix. My parents and three siblings are all there plus I attended Arizona State for my graduate studies. I look out the windows of the airport across the various shades of brown and remember how much I love the desert. If only I had a longer layover and I could leave the airport. But that's not in the cards today. Today I just have enough time to grab a bite to eat and get on my flight to Salt Lake.

I have several options to choose from but for some reason I just HAVE to have a hamburger. I find myself at the counter ordering a burger with the works and fries. I tell myself that I'll make better choices the rest of my flight and somehow justify this artery clogging meal. As I get down to my final bites, I find myself in deep regret. I stumble out of my seat and tell myself I can just walk it off. Unfortunately, there weren't enough hours (or days) available to me to walk that meal off so I did the best I could and headed over to my boarding gate. One thing I've learned from my travels is that you never take your boarding gate for granted. Those suckers change all the time on you so you have to pay attention.

Song for this part of my trip include:

Back to the Mother Country

Being male, pale and stale (A.K.A. a 40-something white guy) I consider England to be the mother country.  There are very few place in the world where I look just like everyone else and hence fit right in.  Well, I guess that I could just as easily consider Germany or Switzerland in the same way except for the fact that I can't talk to anyone there. No, I've never learned a second language. I rack this up to my inherently lazy American attitude which precludes me from getting past the first disc of my Rossetta Stone investment. (Learning Spanish has made it to my new year's resolution list for the past three years running. Maybe 2015 will be the year)

It seems that I end up in London 2 - 3 times a year. I can't complain though, it's one of my favorite places. This time, however, a couple of things are different:

1) I'm not flying American or British airways (more on that in a moment)
2) Ebola

You can't turn on CNN without a reference to Ebola so I thought I'd include it here. That, plus I know it will start my mother on a week long fact-finding mission to see how many Ebola patients are coming from the UK, how many people from West Africa are going to the UK, ways to contract Ebola and generally mapping out how I'm going to die a horrible death. (Love you mom)

So, first on the change of airlines. Earlier this year I took my family to San Diego for Labor day to be with my extended family and celebrate my mom's 70th birthday.  We briefly thought about driving as it should be no more than an 8 hour drive. But given that we only had three days and the traffic on a holiday weekend would be terrible we decided to fly (A.K.A. I purchased airline tickets without consulting Stephanie). I am executive platinum on American Airlines so that would have been my go-to option but they had no direct routes to San Diego from San Francisco so I took the least expensive non-stop I could find. It was on Virgin America and it was FABULOUS! You get onto what looks like a night club and start to get really excited.

Even my 8 year old got excited. Everyone had their own tv screen with tons of channels. It was a great experience.

That got me thinking. What if I flew Virgin to London and Sydney and other long-haul places I go? How cool would that be? Ever see James Bond in first class in Quantum of Solace?

Yeah, that bar is in the first class area of the plane! I don't drink alcohol but I still want to fly on a cool plane like that as I'm sure the business class would rock too! And, with the traveling I do, if I do all of my travel on Virgin, I'll get tons of frequent flyer miles to take my family on super cool planes to super cool places!

So, fast forward to this trip to London. I start shopping for flights. I find the typical coach prices of $1200 - $1500. I find premium economy on Virgin Atlantic for $4500 but business class (the only one where you can lay flat to sleep) costs $6000 - $8000! What!?! Do I get to keep the plane when we get there? Seriously overpriced.

So I put my hunting hat on and start shopping. As I'm surfing site after site looking for deals, I came across a miracle. I found business class on Virgin Atlantic for $2900! I pee'd myself a bit and entered my credit card as fast as I could. Okay, I need to confess that it was business class on the flight out and premium economy on the way back. Whatever. I was going to fly the super fun, swank classy business class like James Bond. Swipe went my credit card. I was committed. I went to pick my seat and that's when my heart sunk.

I took my booking reference to the Virgin Atlantic booking site and it said that the booking code wasn't recognized. Huh? I cut and paste it so I know it was correct. I looked at the fine print. Yes, it was a booking under the name of Virgin Atlantic but serviced by Delta! What! Yes, the Delta airlines I've always knows. I don't have anything against Delta. In fact, my recent experiences with them have been quite good. BUT THEY AREN'T WHAT I WAS TRYING TO BOOK!

Anywho, on to day 1

DAY ONE

To get that super sexy fare of $2900 I had to take a 6:30 flight out of San Jose airport. That meant that I had to get up at 4:45 in the morning. When you have to get up early, you don't just get up early. You get up early and often. What I mean by that is my body won't let me get into a deep sleep due to fear of oversleeping (for the record, with the exception of every single morning class my freshmen year of college, I've never overslept for anything) so I wake up and look at the clock over and over again doing the math in my head of how much time I have left to sleep.  I pop out of bed at 4:35, get dressed and fly out the door. I get to San Jose airport at 5:30 in the morning. Who in the world would be at the airport at 5:30 in the morning?

Answer: EVERYONE! How many TSA agents were working? 3ish How many of them spoke English as a primary language? None!

Okay, it wasn't THAT bad. I've had far worse.

I get on the flight and since I'm in first I have a lot of time to just sit there while the plane fills with the other travelers. It's around this time that I panic and start to worry that I don't have enough apps to occupy my time (I'm quite ADD when it comes to apps. I can't focus on one for more than a few minutes before I want to delete it from my tablet). So I make the requisite rush to the Google Play store to get new apps:

Me looking for apps is like me in the public library trying to find a book to read. I don't know which books are good? Just like I don't know which apps are good. So I hit up my apps posse (Harrison and Olivia) to see what they recommend. For kids who text non stop you'd think they could respond to just one of mine! But no, they left me hanging so I was left to grab whatever I could before the plane took off. As luck would have it, two of the three I got require an internet connection to work. Just great.

It was all okay once breakfast was served.

Well done Delta. It's no Virgin Atlantic (like I know, I've never been on them) but very well done indeed.

I arrive at the Minneapolis airport to face my 5 hour layover. Yes, in addition to getting a 6:30 flight, I have to connect here and spend 5 hours in the airport. I'm starting to feel like Tom Hanks in Terminal.

But I must say that this is a nice airport. They have Snoopy (it's the home of Charles Shultz)

And lots of shops that make you feel all wintery and festive. Christmas must live here or something.

So here I sit with one more hour to go till I board the plane. I've spent the past four hours in the Delta lounge so I think I'm going to walk around the airport mall a bit and see what I can find. More to come.

The Land Down Under (Pronounced: Unda)

I find myself back at the first class international lunge at the LAX airport awaiting another flight to the Asia Pacific region. This time, I'm off to Sydney Australia. I'm headed for a week of planning and regional sales kick offs. It will be good and well worth the effort to get there and back. Speaking of effort to get there.... I guess that's where this story begins.

In reality, this trip so far has been easy by my travel standards. Granted, I'm only four hours in and on my first layover sitting in the first class lounge eating great food while awaiting my boarding on the new Airbus double decker mega plane. While I'm not in business class, I'm still in premium economy on the upper deck of the plane so I can't complain (much).

Getting to LAX for the connection was easy. Getting through security, however seemed to be my first hurdle. The line was worse than anything I've seen at Disneyland

If you look to the upper left corner of the picture you'll see that the lines take a left and then continue to snake. What was worse, is that the longer you stood in line and thus the further you snaked your way through, the temperature seemed to increase. My thoughts reflected on Dante's 'Inferno' and the nine levels of hell you had to pass through to get to paradise.

While deep in my thoughts wondering which level of hell I was in with each turn of the line, something wonderful happened. It turned out that the crowd was so large that the security team was ushering families out of the main line and into a special short line. There was a large family in front of me that was selected to join the 'happy line'. The guard opened the ribbon liner dividing the lines and ushered them into the short line. Here's where the magic happened. I was wearing my headphones looking like there wasn't a thought in the world going through my head when the guard gave me this look like, "Dude, keep up with your family or you're going to get left behind."

Ok, it's time to make a choice.

Option A: Explain that I'm not with them and continue snaking through hell

Option B: Give a smile and a nod and embrace my new family

Anyone who has read of my earlier travels already knows the answer. I now have a wonderful new family with whom I bonded during our very short stay in the security line. After all, travel is all about the law of averages so if you want to end up in an average or even good place you have to take advantage of the openings as they come.

The flight itself was terrific. Qantas puts on a good flight with great service, food and entertainment. We boarded the plane just before midnight and took flight soon thereafter. I managed to get an exit row so I had infinite leg room. I selected my first movie, put on my headphones and waited for dinner to be served.

For anyone who hasn't traveled to Australia or Asia, here is the secret to happy travel. Pick the midnight flight and stay awake 3-4 hours after take off. It's kind of hard if you're like me and on a normal night you're passed out cold by 10:30 but it's well worth it. You're so tired by that point that it's easier to sleep and when you wake up, you're just 2-3 hours from landing so they serve you breakfast and then you land. When you get off the plan, it's first thing in the morning local time, you've just woken up and had breakfast and you feel like you're on schedule. It's MUCH easier to adjust compared with going to Europe.

Yes, I know you have the choice put before you SO often on whether you're going to travel to Europe or Asia so I know that was all helpful advice.

Anywho, on to Sydney.

I had to arrive on a Sunday since my meetings for the week started first thing on Monday. While I really hate having to travel over the weekend and leave my family I thought that I'd at least make the most of it since I was going to summertime in Sydney. I had a full day of laying on the beach planned as a decompression day. Well, you guessed it, on that day alone, the summer was put on hold in favor of a cloudy, rainy day with a high of 75. Are you kidding me?!? I went to the beach anyway to see it. I can't be this close to an ocean or nice beach without touching the sand. I'm OCD that way.

Looking at the map, it looked like I could take the train to a point close enough to walk.

What I didn't realize, is that from that red dot on the right (Bondi Junction) to the beach on the far right is a few miles. Ugh! What a hike! But at least it was a good chance to see some of the side streets and shops.

I finally made it and it was beautiful. It was later in the day but so the crowd was thinning but the sun had finally broken through and the surfers were coming out again. It was at this point that I began to learn that there are different areas of the beach. There was a family area, a middle area and then a more adult area. What I call the adult area didn't mean that kids weren't allowed. It just means that tops seems to be optional for women. While this concept might appeal to younger guys, let me explain one of the simple truths of life. 99.999999% of the world's population should never be seen naked. This principle was holding true for me this day. Since it was later in the day and cooler there were just a couple of ladies bearing all. I would have paid them to put clothes on but since those conversations wouldn't have gone well, I chose instead to look across the breaking waves as I passed their portion of the beach.

After a few  minutes of meditating while watching the incredible surf, I decided to head back as the walk was far more than I had anticipated. On the way back to the train I passed 'Healthy Burger' which peaked my interest. A healthy hamburger? Is that possible? I had to find out. As it turned out, it was just a catchy name as there was NO way that the burger I ate was healthy. It was, however, heaven! It's hard to describe but it was juicy and covered in topping not found on traditional US burgers. I loved every bite.

I finally arrived at my hotel around 8:00 pm and my head was spinning. Jet lag was taking its toll and it was time for bed. I tried to watch some TV but found it hard to concentrate so I turned out the lights at 8:45. Sleep found me quickly and I was in a deep, dark place mentally when the sounds of cannon fire rang heavy in the air. Startled awake, it took me a minute to figure out that source of the sounds which were the cause of the adrenaline now flowing freely through my body was the Australia Day fireworks going off one block from my hotel. Ah, bless the Aussies. They don't do small events. The fireworks went off and on for over 30 minutes. And in addition to that, the conclusion of the fireworks seem to signal to the rooms around me that it was time to party. Yea Australian party culture. (that was sarcasm)

The next few days were a blur of all day meetings and all night dinners. The first night's dinner (Monday night) was a great Greek dinner. I was openly mocked by one of the sales leaders as I tried to duck out at 9:00 pm. I was told that I had 'weak sauce' because I was leaving so early. Here's the thing about sales dinners. They start after a trip to the bar, last far too long, and end with a trip to the bar. I'm not into drinking (I don't drink) and I don't like to stay out late so sales dinners and I are like oil and water to begin with. Then you throw in four nights of them in a row and I get grumpy.

Day two was actually pretty cool. After the normal morning of meetings we were off to Sydney harbor for an afternoon of sailing. When I first heard this, I assumed a barge of some sort with lots of food and drinks and sitting around whilst we moved very slowly around the harbor. Wrong!

We were on an America's Cup-class racing boat which required us to man the wenches to trim the sails as we did timed runs around the harbor. While we didn't go THAT fast, we were going at 13.5 knots which seemed pretty good to me.

That night there was the standard, bar, dinner, bar routine which I simply didn't show up for. Instead, I had a relaxing night of take out sushi and book reading (yeah, more weak sauce).

Minus the sailing, this was the pattern for the week. Meetings all day followed by bar, dinner, bar. Wednesday night I felt obliged to attend since it involved another boat. This time, the boat was a water taxi which took us far across the harbor to a nice beach-side venue where we (you guessed it) did the standard bar-dinner combo. The boat got us back to the city around 11:00 where some people were looking for another bar but I ducked into a taxi to head to bed.

Thursday night was the final night so again, I felt obliged to attend. This time, I skipped the bar and just went to dinner. The food and company were wonderful but I ducked out at 9:00 and went to walk the town a bit. Being the last night I wanted to see something of the city since our days and nights had been pretty much over programmed.

I was able to find an open-air mall where there were a variety of artists on display. This one was my favorite:

There were also some amazing guitarists playing at different spots and I'm kicking myself for not recording some of their playing or buying a cd. Seeing and hearing these artists were one of the highlights of my trip.

Friday finally came around. It turns out that 1/2 of the group from dinner stayed out till 4:00 am so our meetings ended up starting 90 mins late. Whatever. Normally I'd be pretty angry but at this point in the week I was done with meetings so I didn't care. Our final meeting was a meeting to give feedback on the other meetings. Can you guess what mine was? If you answered, "We had too many meetings this week!" then you are correct! The team kind of looked shocked at me for saying that but I saw some heads bobbing as I said it. Truth bombs, sometimes you have to drop them. (put that on a t-shirt)

I headed to the airport and almost cried when I saw this:

This little baby was my ride home. It's one of those new fancy double decker ultra liners. I was in premium econ (once again on the poor side of the screen of separation but at least not in the bargain basement in coach). The seat next to me was empty which was good because I had my friend Ambien traveling with me and he needs a seat to himself (A.K.A. who knows what weird and wonderful positions I get into when sleeping under the influence of Ambien - I think I end of sleeping sideways which doesn't quite workout well if there's someone in the seat next to you). I think I've taken enough Ambien on airplanes to write the side effects portion of the commercial. You know, the one where the announcer speaks really, really quickly in the hopes that you won't be able to understand what he's saying. Some of the side effects of Ambien on an airplane include, but are not limited to:

• Calling out, "Arlene, watch out!" in your sleep (unless you actually know an Arelene. In that case you shout out, 'Pedro, the child is yours!'"
• Wrapping blankets around your head like a turban
• Getting naked
• Invited others to get naked
• staring at the people next to you without blinking until they move seats
• Asking the guy next to you if he's an Air Marshall.  Followed by the statement, "Real cops work on the ground."
• Watching any movie with Owen Wilson in it and liking it

Some of those have actually happened to me. I won't tell you which ones. 

When I arrived home it was the best thing ever. While I hate being away for such a long period of time, I have to say that I love the reunion with my family. Life is about contrasts. You can't experience the pleasure without the pain, the joy without the sorrow. The greater the paid or sorrow the greater the joy and pleasure. 

I'll never tire of each of my kids genuinely getting excited to see me and hugging me like they mean it. Little girls who hug my neck and kiss my check until I have to pull them off of me. Seeing an actual sincere smile from my teenagers who often go days without talking to me. Then there's seeing Stephanie for the first time in a week. It's always like seeing her for the first time. My heart skips a beat and I lose my breath and all I want to do is hold her and hug her. It's like getting a limb back that was severed. 

There are a couple of trips that I was asked to take over the next couple of weeks but I've turned them down. I just can't leave again so quickly. But never fear, in my life the next trip is always just around the next corner. 

A Cold Nor'easter

(EDITOR's NOTE: This trip entry is really late. Christmas who-ha threw me off schedule. I'll be better in 2014)


I was asked in early December to attend an event in Providence, RI to speak about Google technology to a group of regional re-sellers and potential customers. While I'm always excited to meet with customers and our partners, I was really excited to get a chance to get to the north east during the Christmas holidays. Even though we're having cold weather at home, it just feels more like Christmas in the north east.


The only problem with traveling this time of year is that it's almost unheard of to not have delays. Keeping on track with this tradition, my trip started with a delay in San Jose. I arrived at 6:40 for a 7:45 flight. I get through security with no problems and get to the gate where I find 150-ish grumpy looking people.

I've found that people tend to be grumpy when traveling early so I didn't think anything of it. How could things be bad? I was upgraded to first class, the skies were clear, we're the originating flight so there was no risk of a late arrival to wait on. The world was looking good.


One thing the universe has taught me is that when something looks too good to be true, it usually is. Well a big fat thank you to the universe cuz that's what happened here. I was soon clued in that our flight would be delayed because there was frost on the wings and the American Airlines de-icer wasn't working. They were trying to borrow one from Southwest or Delta but weren't sure if they would get one.



<Warning: rant ahead>


Okay, here is what really perturbs me about this. It's not like the sub-freezing weather just hit the bay area out of no where. We've been having nightly frost for weeks so there is NO excuse for not having that equipment working. The reality is that the airline pencil pushers in Dallas decided that it was less expensive to deal with the delays than to fix the equipment. Maybe so, but they didn't count on the online wrath they'd face from me! Boom! They probably just lost a flight booking somewhere from someone reading this and deciding they don't want to deal with an airline like that. Okay, rant over.


So, they board us at 7:30 saying that once the sun comes up it will thaw the wings and we'll be off. 30 min delay max. Fast forward to 9:00 am and we're still sitting on the plane, pulled away from the gate with our nose pointing into the rising sun. Like an orphan from Oliver, "May we have some more sunlight please?" We just sat there while plane after plane from other airlines took off. We were laughed at by the other flights as they passed us by on their way to their on-time arrivals and cheery family reunions. Turns out that just because the sun comes up doesn't mean the air temp breaks 32 degrees. So continue to sit we did. I could have gone out with my credit card and scraped the ice off faster if they'd let me.


So around 9:30 we take flight and I'm trying my best to be grumpy. They brought me breakfast after closing the sheer screen that tells the people behind you that you're better than they are. The screen creates a physical barrier but still allows them to see that I'm getting a meal while they are left with little cups of juice. So I started to eat while thinking of the nasty letter I was going to pen to the president of AA. I start to form the words in my mind but I'm easily distracted. Is that fresh fruit? I love cantaloupe. What's that? Muffin or hot biscuit? I'll take the biscuit please. Wait a tick, is that sun dried tomatoes and grilled asparagus in my quiche?

Oh yeah, where was I on that letter to AA. "Dear Mr. President of AA, thank you so much for the wonderful breakfast. Keep up the good work. Warmest wishes, Hank." Wait, was that what I intended to do? Who cares, they're starting 'Despicable Me 2' - I love that show!


Due to the magic of tail winds we arrive in Chicago one hour late and not the full two hours we lost on the ground in San Jose. By my calculations my connection should just be boarding when we land and from what they just announced, my connecting gate is literally across from our landing gate AND that I was once again upgraded to first class. The sun was finally shining on good ol' Hank Humphreys. Things were looking good again.

(Notice the sun shining on me)

Hold on, did something just change on the display? We should be boarding right now for a 3:20 departure and the board says DELAYED: 4:10. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Universe: 2, Hank: 0.


What can you do to make yourself feel better when stranded during winter traveling? Find and then eat (emphasis on the eat) the BIGGEST chocolate chip cookie you can find. A huge shout out to Starbucks for being there when I needed them. I mean, really, what are the odds that I'd find a Starbucks when I need them? (for those that don't know me, that is sarcasm)

In reality an extra hour was no big deal. After all, the sheer screen of social separation would once again be pulled notifying everyone of my superior status making little inconveniences such as this bearable.


Strangely, from there things were good. We landed in Boston without a problem and I was even the first one off the plane. When I walked out of the terminal the bus to the rental car facility was about to leave but stopped to let me on and the rental car process was quick and easy. I was on my way to Providence. Okay, I need to confess that with the confusion of trying to get on the right freeway I ended up heading into a toll plaza. I had no cash and little time to think.


Option 1: Move over to the far right (cash lane) and have a rational conversation with the attendant admitting I don't have cash.


Option 2: Move to the far left fast pass lane and go through as quickly as possible in the hopes that the camera won't get a clear shot of my license.



Option 2 it is!


I'm not that worried about it. Massachusetts is such a liberal state that they probably don't really make you pay anyway. It's just part of their slippery slope to a socialist state. :)


I awoke the next morning, to pull back the curtains to discover that I was in a magically land full of history and old buildings and stuff:

I was able to drive around a bit before my meetings started. What a great place! Narrow streets, but really cool.


I spent the day working with our partners and preparing for the event that evening. The city mayor and one of the senators from RI was there. Before you get all excited, they are a small state and I think everyone gets a turn at being a senator. They just do a rotation or something.


I did the standard dog and pony show (it would have been really cool if I actually had a pony there) and then we had dinner. The best part of the night was how excited everyone was to see my pair of Google Glass. I had people lined up wanting to try them on and play with them. I do love the magic of Google products.


I excuse myself at 9:00 to get on the road to NYC. A big part of my trip was getting to see the Esposito family the next day before I fly home. Joe has been one of my closest friends for over 20 years and I love his family. I enter the address to my hotel in Queens and off I go! Thank you Google Maps!


I'm cruzing down I-95 listening to a wide variety of music. Stations come in and out of range quickly there so I find myself constantly looking for the next great song. Google maps estimates that it will take close to 3 hours to get there. Game on Google Maps! Don't you know that I can make the San Francisco to LA run in less than 5 hours! (It's the earthly equivalent of making the the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs) I was determined to get there as quickly as possible. Google Maps says that it's 171 miles so if you do some basic math you can determine the average rate of speed needed to get there in two hours. It was pretty straight forward but somewhat difficult. They kept trying to throw me off by posting all these fake signs about 55 mph speed limits. Like anyone would fall for that. We haven't had 55 mph speed limits out west since like the 80's so I knew the signs couldn't be real. Since I didn't see any other signs I figured that meant I was free to self govern my speed (remember, the North East is hippy/socialist country so they let you do what you want). My math skills were spot on and within 2 hours and 10 mins I found myself navigating the freeways of Queens.




A little note on Queens, NY. I have determined that the borough was named Queens for the same reason that Greenland was named Greenland and not Iceland. They're trying to fool you into going there. You hear the name Queens and you think of an elegant place that is full of proper and polite people. Instead you find the gritty industrial sister to Brooklyn.




It was at 11:30 pm that my phone decided to die. It had lead me close to the hotel but not all the way there and abandoned me in a dark shadowy part of town with no TGI Friday's to poke my head into for directions. I remembered a small amount of detail from the map and thought that I could remember the street name for the hotel if I saw it so I started to slowly crawl my way through the side streets. Back and forth I went for 30 mins and then I saw it! The wonderful Residence Inn.

I walked inside and found myself in the ever-so-familiar surroundings of a Marriott property. I was greeted with a bottle of water and chocolates to thank me for my loyalty (it's the hotel equivelant of the sheer screen of social separation - other guests watched in awe as I slowly ate my chocolate realizing they'd have to pay at least $1 to get such a wonderful treat). Upon arriving in my room I quickly fell asleep as it was well past midnight.


With a reasonably good sleep under my belt, I awoke fresh and ready to meet the Esposito family.

Bella is just a princess and little Ruby is SO beautiful. I wish I could see more of them. 

After a wonderful breakfast at a local cafe, I was off to the airport and home. It's nice to be home again. This time, it's for Christmas and New Years. Stay tuned in January for trips to OH and Sydney to kick off 2014! For now, however, it's time for some rest and relaxation. (Like that's going to happen over Christmas break) 

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to play we go!

I returned from my Utah trip on Tuesday night. Two nights in my own bed was enough for me so I threw the kids in the car and headed off to the happiest place on earth. Yes, I'm talking about Disneyland. Stephanie was headed to Phoenix to go to Time Out for Women which is basically a formalized play date for grown women and an excuse to make the husbands of the world actually take care of their kids. My wife greatly underestimated my ability to take care of my children in their native environment leaving my kids the benefactors of an all-expense paid trip to see Uncle Walt.

The planning was flawless. Mass amounts of food for the drive down...check. DVD's in the car ready to pacify even the grumpiest of kids...check. iPod full of upbeat electro music to help me keep NASCAR pace....check. Bags packed....didn't really matter. Once we're there I could care less what they look like plus it's one less thing for me to worry about. Well, other than the fact that everyone MUST change their underwear once a day. I guess that's my one rule in life and it's worked pretty well for me so far.

We were set to leave Thursday after school when the kids got home. The time finally came and with the car packed and ready all I needed was the kids. One by one they came home excited and ready. We were taking Olivia's friend Megan with us so she was dropped off by her dad. I met them at the door and I did my best to present myself as a respectable adult to allay any fears that he might have about leaving his most precious of possessions in my care for three days. I greeted him with a firm handshake and looked him straight in the eyes. All was going to plan until Hailey came to the door and proclaimed, "My dad's like a race car driver when he drives to southern California."

What!??!?! While this might be true, you don't just tell other parents. She may as well have told him that I was going to do my best to kill his daughter. I held his stare with a feint smile and awaited his response. "Hmmm," he replied, "What's your best time?" Instantly the clouds broke and the sun shone through. A fellow racer! Still not wanting to scare him, I gave him the standard answer of six or seven hours to put his mind at ease. My kids know I can make the drive in 5.5 without even trying but why boast? No need to hurt his ego.

The only other obsticle was packing Megan's gear into the car. Not wanting anyone to feel bad I'll just say that she packed as much for herself as my entire family did. That's all I'm going to say. (but she always looks very nice due to wardroom options I presume)

We were off like a turd of hurtles.

Please note: dual potato chip bags to prevent arguments and DVD screen is down 5 mins into the drive. Also note that nobody was injured while taking this selfie.

The drive down was great. One stop totaling 10 mins with a total drive time of just over 5 hours. I was raised by a want-to-be trucker code named 'Rusty Nail' (that was my dad's CB handle when I was a kid. I still don't get it. Maybe it was because if you stepped on him he'd infect you?) Growing up in Texas we'd often drive from El Paso straight through to South Padre Island. A drive that used to take 16 - 18 hours so I was raised to pee in a cup and mystically hold my poop for days on end.  These life lessons have served me well and are now being passed on to my own children.

Just as we pulled into the Embassy Suits in Anaheim, little Kate told me she wasn't feeling well. I opened her car door to find her in the early convulsions of vomiting. Knowing that Stephanie wouldn't like the smell of vomit in her car I helped Kate escape the car just in time. She emptied the contents of her stomach all over the parking lot and oddly enough, it was the same color as the Ruffles BBQ potato chips she ate the whole way down. Is it a coincidence that we don't eat potato chips at home and she gets sick when I feed them to her? I choose to believe so.

The kids think the hotel is the best thing ever:

It has a little river through it with water falls and fish and walkways to explore. If I had known that was all it took to please them we could have stayed home and saved a trillion dollars. That night, Kate and I shared a bed and as we were falling asleep she told me that she had four reasons why she was glad I was with her. #1: I don't follow the rules. Her example for this was that I was sure to give them dessert during the day and not just once. She didn't bother sharing the other three reasons. Reason #1 seemed to be enough for her.

The next morning we woke up, got dressed, ate breakfast and made our way to the Magic Kingdom. We were in the park before it opened so we spent a few minutes setting the strategy for the day. Kate and I were decked out in our ears ready for a good time:

The line at the ropes was getting long:

Notice the familiar cup in the foreground. Starbucks has taken up residence on Main Street USA. I guess if it's really Main Street USA it should have a Starbucks, no?

We rode a few rides in Tomorrow Land including Space Mountain:

Energy levels were high and I had a warm fuzzy feeling because Kate asked to sit next to her big brother. That was a magic moment (no, they don't always get along).

Next up was Autopia. Hailey and I rode together. He smile was enough to make the whole trip worth while for me.

Now I should pause here a moment to explain that Olivia and Megan were no where to be found. If you've ever seen Chevy Chase's 'Funny Farm' and remember the scene where he first moves to the farm and buys that huge dog? Remember how when he lets the dog go for the first time in the back yard and the dog just runs away into the forest never to be seen again? Yeah, it was like that.

Day one ended at California Adventure. By the end of the day we had spent almost 12 hours in both parks and had ridden all major rides at least twice so it was a good day overall. I attribute much of the success of day one to mass quantities of sugar which can be found in various forms throughout the parks. Keep them on a sugar high and all is well. The only downside is when they crash they come down hard and become zombies. You can see the zombie come out in their eyes (notice Harrison's expressionless face - a true sign of a zombie):

It was a beautiful night and we headed back to the hotel.

Just after I took this photo we were walking across the bridge that spans the mini lake. Above the constant din of noise from the rides and riders I could hear a woman yelling. I couldn't quite make out what she was saying or where it was coming from. And then I saw her. There was a woman in her early 30's yelling at her husband, carrying a young child in her arms. I could hear her more clearly now. "You really don't care about your children!?! Your daughter is freezing and what are you doing about it?!" She didn't let up either. She kept going and going. It looked something like this:

My paced slowed to a crawl and the voyeur in me took over. How as this going to end? Was she going to hit him? The kids asked why I was going so slow. Not wanting to taint them I simply told them I was tired. Yeah, tired of missing other guys taking the heat more like it. It was like Disney was mixed with Jerry Springer. How do you walk away from that? Within minutes the Disney Magic police where there and asked her to calm down. Yeah, you can't yell at people in the magic kingdom. It ruins the atmosphere. If you want to yell at your husband go to Six Flags or Knottsberry Farms. They encourage that kind of activity there.

Day Two

Rise and shine! After a solid eight hours of sleep I was ready to go. The kids were a little slow to respond but were soon up and ate 'em and ready for breakfast.

(Notice the sugar based cereal in the bowl - have to start the day on the right foot.)

Breakfast was always interesting. My kids can really put down food when it's free and cooked by someone else. They ravaged the breakfast buffet but I felt okay with it as they all had at least one piece of fruit in addition to their 80 strips of bacon. Any day that starts with bacon is a good one. Remember that. Rule 1, change your underwear. Rule 2, eat bacon.

This was a Saturday and for some reason the crowds were really out:

Once again we were in the park before they allowed general access. We were close to the ropes as they prepared to open the park for the day. 10 minutes before they opened the crowd was loose and friendly. There was plenty of space to move around. 5 minutes before opening the feeling in the crowd started to change. People started to eye each other with caution. Sizing up the competition I think. 1 minute before opening, the crowd compresses as people jokey for starting positions. People seem less friendly. Moms tighten the laces on their well-worn running shoes often worn in their home town run club and pull their kids close for the final pep talks. "It's us or them," I hear one mid-west mom say to her 4 yr old son. Yeah, game on mid-west mom.

I have to give props to Disney for trying to control the mayhem of the morning opening bell. They have all hands on deck to control the crowd to prevent what would otherwise be a daily trampling of the weak willed people. As our tightly controlled crowd is walked to to most popular attraction in Cars Land, I can hear a man with a thick Scottish accent say, "How did we end up back here in the crowd? We were against the ropes until they opened the park." It's that kind of attitude and lack of aggressiveness that keeps England superior to the Scottish. As I left my Scottish friends in the dust, I dragged my kids to the front of the line in Cars Land to ride the most over hyped ride in the park. Done, check that off my list and then on to the other rides.

By 10:00 we had ridden the Cars ride and Soaring Over California twice. Not too bad. They were, however, somewhat tired.

It was time for some sugar.

The day progressed fairly well but by 1:00 the part was as crowded as a summers day. After lunch, the lines for the major rides were up to 45 or 60 mins long and given that we'd already ridden on them 3 -4 times nobody cared to wait. I found myself passing the time being fascinated by the strange people that come out in public:

Where's this girls mother? Oh, you can't see her bright pink hair either. Uncle Walt would freak out if he could see this. 

We ended the day after 8 hours in the park with some shopping. It was fun to see the stores decked out for Christmas. We then headed back to the hotel for some swimming and a yummy steak dinner at Outback.

My free-roaming daughter Olivia was still AWOL. She rolled into the hotel room that night at 12:45 and claims it was one of the best days ever. I'm so happy that she was able to experience a day of Disney freedom with one of her best friends. Those are the memories that will last her a lifetime. 

On the way home Harrison commented to me that I talk to a lot of strangers when I'm out in public. I had to call out to him that I wasn't the one that initiated those conversations. People just seem to want to talk to me. Whether in an elevator, in line or on a bus, almost everywhere we went people would talk to me. I think it's because I smile at everyone. Sometimes I wink slowly (JK) but mostly I just smile and people start talking to me. It's a lesson I hope my kids learn about life. 

Well, we're home now and I don't have any more trips for two weeks. Two weeks at home and Stephanie will probably ask me to leave again. For now, I just love being home. 

Rocky Mountain High

If you're a avid follower of my blog (and you know you are) you're thinking that I must have had a wonderful week at home after my trip to India. False. I actually spent a few days sequestered in a five star resort in Carmel California for a Google Sr. leadership offsite. The fact was that I was just too darn tired to blog. Sad life I know.

But it's a new week and I'm back on the road with a new attitude. Well, it's the same old bad attitude that I've always had but with a new found interest in posting on my travels. This week finds me high in the rocky mountains in Utah. I'm here for a couple of days of meeting with my HP counterparts as well as for some lectures at the Marriott School of Management. I am invited to come speak to marketing students a couple of times a year and share with them the wonderful world of sales and marketing through the Google lens. But I'm getting ahead of myself (which is easy to do as I'm often behind). Let's start on Monday morning.

5:00 am

BAM! The alarm goes off like the pistol at a track race you didn't even know you were in. I stumble out of bed trying to be as quite as I can. I throw myself into the shower and dress as quickly as I can. The race is on! And a race it is. The first part of the race is just getting to the airport. Living in the bay area traffic can be bad on any given day and just because I'm leaving at 5:30 am there are no promises that I'll get to the airport on time.

I do well, and get to the Oakland airport at 6:00 am (please don't do the math to determine my average speed required to get there in 30 min).  I park, already forgetting which isle I was in, and run into the airport to find this:

 My second race of the day. Being in the security line at 6:00 am is the best reality TV show EVER! People are who they really are. All facades are down as are patience levels and friendliness levels. I couldn't help smiling at people just to get a reaction. Most people viewed me with cautious concern. Turns out that I'm just a morning person so deal with it.

The flight was easy and quick and I soon found myself in Salt Lake City. Ugh. Where was the sun?

I'm beginning to feel my seasonal affective  disorder coming on.

I spent most of the day with HP going through our launch plans and our go to market strategy. Things are good. It looks like I'll be able to show some results to Google this year which is always a good thing.

I agreed to meet my buddy Scott at his offices at his new company Needle. It's a really cool new way to get fans of a company to sell for that company online. He's the President (I'm quite proud that I'm friends with the President) and we were going to meet to do a quick errand and then work on our presentation for the Marriott school.

Turns out that his errand was quite interesting. We had to go to a local warehouse to collect some promotional materials from a company that Needle's founder has invested in. When we got there, we were handed boxes and told to go pick out some merchandise. In this instance, this was socks.

These socks here are off the hook cool:

So we collect a few (hundred) pairs:

I take the least amount as I'm really only there for a ride along and it's all kind of strange for me but I keep picking socks and smiling. Today I'm wearing my LA Lakers socks. :)

This also turns out that this is the warehouse where Becky Higgins stores and ships her Project Life stuff:

Stephanie is into this stuff so I was really tempted to grab her some stuff for her but was assured that to do so was stealing. So in summary, socks = good, scrapbooking = bad.

That night, the Pulsipher family spent the evening sorting through their sock stash:

After a good nights sleep it was off to the main show. Scott and I arrived on campus at 11:00 am and began to roam campus. First to the Tanner building to find a bite to eat and go over our slides. As it turns out, it was a devotional day so all the food places were closed. Bummer. Maybe, just maybe, there would be food available in the student union which is called the Wilkinson Center. We hike across campus and out of the corner of my eye I see something falling. Wait, was that snow?!? Where am I and why am I here? I like warm weather. I was raised in a desert for Pete's sake!

Lucky for me, it was just some flurries and nothing too bad. Upon entering the student Union I felt like I was being taken back in time. Back in the 80's, or the good old days as they are known to my kids, I was a student here and the building looks pretty much the same now as it did then. Not such a big deal you might think but the problem is that even back then, I remember thinking that it looked like it was 30 years past due for a major remodel. At this point, my advice to the school is to just hang on. At some point it will become retro, vintage or whatever euphemism you want to use to indicated that it's finally back in style.

We get there just as they are opening the food court. I grab a table while Scott heads over to grab us some burritos (courtesy of Taco Bell). I'm now head's down in my Chromebook working on some slides and I hear the tones of various BYU acapella groups performing in the nearby atrium. Why is it that college students think that they can harmonize without music? This urge has been scientifically proven to leave the human body in the late 20's. If you are in your 30's and still think you're a candidate for Pitch Perfect II, seek help.

One of the groups starts to canvas the food court passing out flyers. As they approach my table I can hear them talking to the other students. "Like us on Facebook and come see us tonight!" This pitch goes from table to table until they get to me. Without looking up I can see that they notice me, quickly assess that I'm well beyond the natural limit for what can be acceptable as cool, and they make a wide arc around my table and pick up their campaign on the other side of me. Whatever. Like I wanted to 'Like' you on Facebook anyway. (sniff)

In the end, all problems are solved with a Taco Bell bean and cheese burrito. I consume the warm goodness of my lunch as Scott and I make our way to our lecture hall. The conversation along the way goes something like this:

Me: Dude, hand me my soft taco
Scott: What soft taco.
Me: The one I asked you to buy me
Scott: I just ate it

Not the end of the world but I really wanted that taco.

I had to push that pain way down and gear up for the lectures. 750 kids sitting on the edge of their seats waiting to hear what we had to say:

Well, maybe that's not exactly what happened. There were that many students but if you factor out the ones that weren't face down in a laptop or smartphone or asleep, we have like 50 students looking at us. (well, maybe a few more than that were paying attention).

My favorite part of the fist lecture was at the end I was swarmed by students wanting to get more information from me. Questions ranged from have I used the new Nexus 5 to the standard question of how do I get a job at Google? My thrill came from looking up into the crowd around me and seeing the familiar face of Tanner Skousen. Tanner is like my second cousin twice removed cubed or something like that. He's the son of Stephanie's cousin Julie and her husband Rick. We love Julie and Rick and by the transitive properties of logic, we love Tanner. It made me smile to see that he was in the class and that he made time to say hi. Such a thrill. As a side note, Stephanie and I were entrusted to baby sit Tanner when he was 5 months old. Steph and I were just dating at the time and found the activity of making out quite thrilling and spent our time 'baby sitting' smooching and generally leaving baby Tanner to his own devices. It was then that we learned that babies are capable of rolling off the bed. Man, babies are resilient! I insist that Tanner is the man that he is today BECAUSE and not in spite of the fact that we let him roll off the bed. (Your welcome Tanner)

The second lecture was much like the first. The only different was that instead of having Tanner surprise me with a visit, I was surprised with a question I didn't expect. I called on one guy during the Q&A time and his question was, "So Hank, you look pretty ripped. Do you use the Google gym?" Yes, I am a TOTAL narcissist but it's still kind of freaky to have another guy call me ripped in front of a crowd of strangers. Thankfully, since I was speechless, Scott was there to save me with the quick response of, "If you want I can take a picture with his shirt off later tonight."

It was fun to present and to get to spend time with Scott. He ended up following me home as he has meetings in San Francisco tomorrow so he's asleep downstairs as I type. It's fun to get to spend time with him. This should become a habit.